It isn’t nice when you roll the dice And your target’s out of range When the critical roll just takes its toll And now to need a change You just wanted to sit and play … You’ve gotta stop this table top From getting out of hand Your DM’s wacko, says “check your THACO, Or you’ll never leave this land.” Now this campaign isn’t fun … You need a Natural 21! And now it’s time to play the game And it’s your favorite campaign You wanna play with your friends one day While the Bard sings this refrain Let’s join the party ‘cuz it’s time to play the game Your wizard’s an elf up on the shelf And isn’t very good Your friend’s a cleric who’s based on Sarek Or maybe Robin Hood The goblins brought a cave troll … Get ready! Initiative! Here we roll! And now it’s time to play the game And it’s your favorite campaign You wanna sit where the crits all hit And the blood doesn’t leave a stain Let’s join the party ‘cuz it’s time to play the game And now it’s time to play the game And it’s your favorite campaign You wanna try your lucky die Then fight on the astral plain Let’s join the party ‘cuz it’s time to play the game You wanna play with your friends one day While the Bard sings this refrain Let’s join the party ‘cuz it’s time to play the game

All About That Moor (Othello) Because you know she’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor … Moor … Moor … Moor   Yeah, ‘tis pretty clear, he’s nobody’s fool ‘Cause this Venetian general hails from Istanbul He’s the greatest yet, for Iago told me so And he has a leftennant named Michael Cassio.   He’s heading off to war, he’ll build the siegeworks He’s gonna go and fight the dastard evil Turks He doesn’t want his wife to get in mischief And so he gives to Desi his lucky handkerchief   Yeah, Desdemona’s mama said date no Italian guys (Shoo wop wop, sha-ooh wop wop) Rather marry a fellow whose ego’s not out of size (No ego, uh, no ego ego) True, he’ll smother you baby with affection wild But the pillow talk, you know it ain’t gonna be mild   Because you know she’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor … Moor … Moor … Moor   He’s bringing humus back Go ‘head and tell all your carrots that They now have a special dip But I’m here to tell you … That Iago’s gonna go and steal the handkerchief   Yeah, Desdemona’s mama said date no Italian guys (Shoo wop wop, sha-ooh wop wop) Rather marry a fellow whose ego’s not out of size (No ego, uh, no ego ego) True, he’ll smother you baby with affection wild But the pillow talk, you know it ain’t gonna be mild   Because you know she’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor …   Because you know she’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor …   Because you know she’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor, Othello She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor … Hey! She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor … Hey! She’s all about that Moor ‘Bout that Moor … Hey! Yay yay … ohh … Y’know ev’rybody dies … Hey!  

Imperial Girl Roses rule and roses fight and that's alright with me (with me, with me!) That was the winter of our discontent Cuz he was Richard Three! Harry Tudor fought at Bosworth And he won of course (of course, of course!) Richard Three was left there crying "My kingdom for a horse." Cuz we are living in an imperial world, And Bess is an imperial girl You know that we are living in an imperial world And Bess is an imperial girl. Prophecies will sometimes rise up From the crags and ditches (ditches, ditches) Macbeth from Glamis should have known better Than to take advice from witches Some kings romance Some invade France I think they're ok (ok, ok) We happy few will be remembered On St. Crispin's Day Cuz we are living in an imperial world, And Bess is an imperial girl You know that we are living in an imperial world And Bess is an imperial girl. Living in an imperial world (imperial) Living in an imperial world Living in an imperial world (imperial) Living in an imperial world Some kings of England were quite good And some were quite obscene (obscene, obscene) Gloriana’s who we’ve got now So god save the Queen Cuz we are living in an imperial world, And Bess is an imperial girl You know that we are living in an imperial world And Bess is an imperial girl. You know that we are living in an imperial world And Bess is an imperial girl You know that we are living in an imperial world And Bess is an imperial girl.

Life is like a hurricane In Elsinore Murder, intrigue, prince of Danes, Can't ask for more! Might solve a mystery To be or not to be! Hamlet! whoo hoo! Everyone wants to Understand Hamlet! whoo-oo! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Hamlet! whoo hoo! He goes and stabs Polonius Behind the curtain Ophelia flips and drowns herself That's for certain! Bad King Claudius Is just a bloody mess! Hamlet! whoo hoo! Everyone just loves this play It's Hamlet! whoo-oo! Over thirty-thousand words to say in Hamlet! whoo-oo! C-C-C-Claudius weds queen Gertrude He's uncle Dad now - I think that's rude What to do, just grab your Folger Hamlet! Who-oo-oo-oo Who-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo Hamlet! whoo hoo! _ Everyday someone's Performing Hamlet! whoo-oo! This play is for too long, it's Hamlet! whoo-oo P-p-p-Pirates kidnap our Prince It’s offstage you don’t get to see it What to do, just grab your Folger Hamlet! Everyone just loves this play It's Hamlet! whoo-oo! Over thirty-thousand words to say in Hamlet! whoo-oo! Everyone wants to Understand Hamlet! whoo-oo! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Hamlet! whoo hoo! Tom Stoppard can stay far away from Hamlet! whoo-oo! Whoo-oo! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfNB8V70UUE

Hey-ho, the Wind & the Rain When that I was a little tiny boy A foolish thing was but a toy But when I came to man’s estate ‘Gainst knaves & thieves men shut their gate But when I came, alas! to wive, By swaggering could I never thrive But when I came unto my beds With toss-pots, we still had drunken heads! Chorus With hey-ho, the wind & the rain For the rain, it raineth ev’ry day With hey-ho, the wind & the rain Hey, nonny-nonny-nay! With hey-ho, the wind & the rain For the rain, it raineth ev’ry day With hey-ho, the wind & the rain Hey, nonny-nonny-nay! Hey, nonny-nonny-nay! Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May Thou art more lovely & more temperate And Summer’s lease hath all too short a date But thy eternal Summer shall not fade Nor shall Death brag thou wand’rest in his shade So long as men can breathe or eyes can see So long lives this, and this gives life to thee! Chorus With hey-ho, the wind & the rain For the rain, it raineth ev’ry day With hey-ho, the wind & the rain Hey, nonny-nonny-nay! With hey-ho, the wind & the rain For the rain, it raineth ev’ry day With hey-ho, the wind & the rain Hey, nonny-nonny-nay! Hey, nonny-nonny-nay! My sweet, our love’s an ever-fix-ed mark It is the star to every wandering bark If this be error, and upon me proved I never writ, nor no man ever loved! Chorus With hey-ho, the wind & the rain For the rain, it raineth ev’ry day With hey-ho, the wind & the rain Hey, nonny-nonny-nay! With hey-ho, the wind & the rain For the rain, it raineth ev’ry day With hey-ho, the wind & the rain Hey, nonny-nonny-nay! Hey, nonny-nonny-nay!

500 Poems (I’m Not A Stalker) When I wake up, well I know I’m gonna be I’m gonna be the Bard who wakes with thoughts of you When I’m musing, yay I know I’m gonna be I’m gonna be the Bard who’s musing over you When I’m writing, well I know I’m gonna be I’m gonna be the Bard who writes sonnets for you And if I stalk you, yay I know I’m gonna be I’m gonna be the Bard who might be stalking you But I would write 500 poems And I would write 500 more Just to be the Bard who wrote a thousand poems And nailed them to your door When I’m acting, yes I know I’m gonna be The lover in a story about you And when the royalties come in for the work I do I’ll commission a Michaelangeo for you When I sing this (when I sing this) Well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the Bard who’s singing this to you And when you’re sleeping, well I know I’m gonna be I’m gonna be the Bard who’s watching over you But I would write 500 poems And I would write 500 more Just to be the Bard who wrote a thousand poems And nailed them to your door Hey nonny-nonny (nonny-nonny) Hey nonny-nonny (nonny-nonny) Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-nonny-nonny-no Hey nonny-nonny (nonny-nonny) Hey nonny-nonny (nonny-nonny) Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-nonny-nonny-no Your last haircut, did you know that I was there? I was the Bard who picked your hair up off the floor And when I’m dreaming, well I know I’m gonna dream About the dress you wore last Saturday before When you go out (when you go out), Well you know I’m gonna be I’m gonna be the Bard who’s two steps behind you And I love you (oh, I love you) Like Romeo loved Juliet This isn’t creepy this is perfectly normal There’ll be less suicide, I know you’ll love me, too But I would write 500 poems And I would write 500 more Just to be the Bard who wrote a thousand poems And nailed them to your door Hey nonny-nonny (nonny-nonny) Hey nonny-nonny (nonny-nonny) Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-nonny-nonny-no Hey nonny-nonny (nonny-nonny) Hey nonny-nonny (nonny-nonny) Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-nonny-nonny-no Repeat But I love you and I’m not a stalker It’s just a very strong feeling It may just be a mid-life crisis ‘Cuz I’ve got 3 kids and a mortgage

Midsummer Nights Midsummer lovin, here is the theme, Midsummer lovin, twas a night's dream, Bad rhymes I fear will never cease This song is not ripped off from Grease! This Shakespeare Play is drifting away To, oh, A Midsummer Night! Oh well, oh well, oh well, huh! Tell me more, tell me more Does it have any sprites? Tell me more, tell me more Does it have any fights? Shoo-bop The scene is set as our tale dawns Theseus weds the Queen Amazon Hermia's heart Lysander has got But her dad has Demetrius bought True love denied, & Helena pined But, oh, A Midsummer Night! Oh well, oh well, oh well, huh! Tell me more, tell me more Like do they run away? Tell me more, tell me more Is there more to this play? Shoo-bop Meet the Fairies, the King & his Queen Love's on the rocks, so it would seem At issue is a changeling boy-o And then there's Puck, a Goodfellow Divorce, I fear, could be quite near But, oh, A Midsummer Night! Oh well, oh well, oh well, huh! Tell me more, tell me more Will they pick flowers yet? Tell me more, tell me more That a cat fight we'll get? Shoo-bop A love quadrangle is in the air The boys now chase Helena fair Now let's speak of Bottom at last Puck gave him the head of an ass Titania's beau eats hay, I trow, But, oh, A Midsummer Night! Oh whoa, whoa! Tell me more, tell me more Does it end sappily? Tell me more, tell me more That they live happily? (slow) If these shadows have offended Think but this and all is mended That you have but slumbered here While these visions did appear This little theme, all just a dream! But - oh! - those Midsummer Nights!

Somewhere out there before our final fight Henry’s planning murder and killing me tonight Somewhere out there Richard stole Lancaster But I know I will find him and I’ll kick his butt over there And even though I exiled him and also stole his car I think it’s possible that friendship isn’t very far And when I think about the ways that I could kill that guy I realize that we’re related and I start to cry Somewhere out there I will run him through! Then we can race Mustangs Where a bromance Can make dreams come true And even though I exiled him and also stole his car I think it’s possible that friendship isn’t very far And when I think about the ways that I could kill that guy I realize that we’re related and I start to cry Somewhere out there, There’s a table set for two (With some candles!) And we can race Mustangs Where a bromance Can make dreams come true

The Monarchy Song 1066 was quite a year! William the Conquerer landed here: The Battle of Hastings - oh! The fear! He was crowned with Christmas cheer. William II, rufus-faced, Was shot whilst hunting then replaced With his brother Henry, who had taste, And didn’t believe in fiscal waste. Enter Stephen who’s believin’ That Hank’s Matilda has to go. From Monarchy to Anarchy, He had no children, doncha know! Henry II was Angevin, He married Eleanor of Aquitaine. With William Marshal they brought in Chivalry and romancin’. Richard Lionheart had no fears And went Crusading all ten years. John Lackland: was he any good? Signed Magna Carta but fought Robin Hood! Of Henry III there’s naught to say, And Edward Longshanks ruled the day. He conquered Wales then went to play With William Wallace, but couldn’t stay. Second Neddy, not too steady: Murdered by his wife! The man to be was Edward III: He ruled for all his life! 100 years: a period spannin’ A war in France and shootin’ cannon. Richard II’s corruption Made him the last Angevin. Henry IV is next He had some slight defects. Civil war by the score, And then he has a heart attack! Olde England’s Harry V Would keep his men alive In the deadly sport at Agincourt, Though Falstaff went and died. Henry VI is just an infant When he becomes king He starts, I suppose, the War of the Rose By my reckoning. Now Edward IV from York, ’tis heard, Died brokenhearted (that’s not absurd!), And Edward V was a Prince interred In the Tower by Richard III! At Bosworth Field, oh! What a day! It’s Henry Tudor all the way. He beats the evil hunchback now we say, “God save King Henry Siete!” The next King Henry (number eight!) Sought six times over for his mate: Cate, Anne, Jane, Anne, Kate and Kate! Killed two and then merged Church and State! Edward VI with sickness mean Kicks the bucket at age fifteen. Lady Jane Grey, how do you praise? She was Queen for just nine days! The next monarch of whom we sing Sought Philip of Spain for her king, Burnt heretics as a way of relaxing: “Bloody Mary” - what a ding-a-ling! Now at last we have a lass Of whom we can be proud! “Gloriana’s” what we call her, So sing it good and loud! And now this weak and winding theme, No more yielding but a dream, Ends with what right here is seen: Elizabeth - God save the Queen!

“What About Hero?!” Where has our heroine gone And where's our female lead? Where's our smart-ass femme fatale Who knows just what she needs? Isn't there a lady upon whom the plot doth turn? I want to see a play Where she makes my insides burn! What about Hero?! It ain’t about Hero, tho the plot says otherwise, as It's about Beatrice and Benedick, And I guess Claudio sometimes. What about Hero?! She’s a self-aware plot device Dogberry and Verges get more stagetime And her romance is very concise Very concise Somewhere after midnight Don John hatches a plan He's gonna disgrace our girl's good name To undercut another man Daddy don't believe her, nor does her fiancée Then Benedick and Beatrice will steal the scene away! What about Hero?! It's not about Hero, do you hear me sing? It's a lot of stuff about other stuff It's "much ado about nothing." What about Hero?! That actress only gets 44 lines I mean, Claudio gets one-twenty-five Most of the play she's on the sidelines. What about Hero?! When Benedick is horribly in love when Beatrice comes to see That their love is real, you know it's real to me! When the nightwatch arrest Conrad And Dogberry’s called an ass I can see that this play is nothing but class! (nothing but class!) (nothing but class!) Whoa! What about Hero?! It ain't about Hero, do you see it now? Even Balthasar gets more to do He sings and then he takes his bow What about Hero?! She makes no decision for herself Everyone tells her what she's gotta do She's a Shakespearean elf on a shelf What about Hero?! This really could have been her play But the romance of a couple of thirty-somethings Had to take all attention away What about Hero?! That girl’s a self-aware plot device, She's a living deus-ex-machina And her romance is very concise Very concise

“My dear Queen Joan,” whispered old King Ned, “Would you like to make a monarch of your son Richard? With an ermine robe and a coronet, My dear Queen Joan, wouldn’t you like that? Yippee too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa, too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa In Anno Dominae Thirteen-Seventy-Six That we had the death of Edward the Black Prince Leaving young Richard as the kingdom’s heir And he was king himself in less than a year! Yippee too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa, too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa Like all monarchs, his rule was absolute, And good England fell into disrepute So with foreign wars and the kingdom broke Up to claim the crown came his cousin Bolingbroke! Yippee too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa, too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa Now civil wars, I do lament, That concern the family Plantagent, There’s more to them than we can bandy And can’t be summed up in a sea shanty! Yippee too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa, too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa Yippee too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa, too-ri-aa, fol-did-dle-di-aa, too-ri-oo-ri-oo-ri-aa

After the Prologue So here we are again In a north Italian state Like Juliet and Romeo I’m from Verona, doncha know, And I’m here to kiss thee, Kate I totally hate men, Most particularly you, But our repartee is sweet And the entendres are quite neat, So here we are in “The Taming of the Shrew”! After the random prologue starts We go to Signor Baptista’s parts Of Padua, Where we do most of the show, I’ll begrudgingly marry you, Tho we just met in act two Perhaps we love to hate Forever Bonny Kate And Petruchio When your sister has a plot, Your sister’s really hot, She strings along two men, This starts as the main plot, But then quite soon they’re forgot, And they’re hardly seen again! After the random prologue starts We go to Signor Baptista’s parts Of Padua, Where we do most of the show, I’ll begrudgingly marry you, Tho we just met in act two Perhaps we love to hate Forever Bonny Kate And Petruchio If I be waspish, best beware my sting! Dainty Kate, won’t you wear my ring? You’re the prettiest Kate, the Kate of Kate Hall! Oh-oh! After the random prologue starts We go to Signor Baptista’s parts Of Padua, Where we do most of the show, I’ll begrudgingly marry you, Tho we just met in act two Perhaps we love to hate Forever Bonny Kate And Petruchio After the random prologue starts We go to Signor Baptista’s parts Of Padua, Where we do most of the show, I’ll begrudgingly marry you, Tho we just met in act two Perhaps we love to hate Forever Bonny Kate And Petruchio

The Legend of Cesario Is this all just a dream? This weak and winding theme? Or the latest play by Will Shakespeare? Way back in days of old There was a legend told About a man called Cesario Great beard and perfect hair Knew how to throw a chair There was no man like Cesario Kind, plus every other human virtue Lass or lad, you know he’ll flirt you! Yay, “12th Night” is quite risqué A Shakespearean cliché And people cheered Cesario! He was romanticized And led a life of lies And helped Orsino woo Olivia-a But she loved not the Duke In fact, he made her puke What’s more, she also liked a diff’rent fella If music, be the food of love, play on Cesario’s a diff’rent kind of swan Sighs! He’s wearing a disguise! This farce it really flies And people cry, “Cesario!” Out of the sea foam who does emerge? Sebastian: a shipwrecked man who looks familiar He walks Illyria’s beaches where the sand and salt merge And – Olivia saw her man Not so, but nicely tanned And so he gladly ran off with her! Which brings us to today The climax of our play No one can end it save Cesario And here’s your denouement She’s really Viola Sebastian’s twin – she's Cesario! Now they’ll get their happy ever after And you were filled with joy and laughter So, I guess that was the show! (I forgot Malvolio) It’s the legend of Cesario!